last few days

i dont know what it is, but i cant stop thinking about her these last few days. i guess you could say i have missed her, for whatever reason. i sometimes sit and wonder if she thinks about me or misses me. maybe she does? then again, maybe she doesnt. i dont really know. i guess a part of my still hopes a little that things will change. looks more and more doubtful as each day passes by. i dont know what will happen. what i do know, is she is on my mind...

same ol stuff

Know I haven't posted in a lil bit, or at least what seems like it. Mainly just the same ol stuff going on, same ol thoughts. Things are getting pretty tight with my car falling apart and bills getting higher because of the cold weather. But I have a roof over my head, a car to drive, food to eat and a beautiful healthy daughter so today I shall not complain. Sure I wish a lot of things were different, but I can only control what deals directly with me. What is will be and what is yet to come will be what it is when it is here. Just gotta try and make the best of bad situations. I try to not harbor anger in my heart and mind but sometimes it is so hard. Too hard in fact at some points. I mat not be living the life I should be right now, but I still know that God does not give us what we can not handle. I am a stubborn and stupid man and often times try and handle things alone that I don't have to. Even when we feel we are right or justified in how we handle things, sometimes we need his help to handle things anyways. I believe God gave us the intelligence we have to handle things on our own sometimes, but sometimes we just need him to take care of things and us to take a step back. Maybe that's what I need to do. I've tried so hard to change things and my situation on my own, only to get hurt even more in the end. Maybe I need to step back and let him take care of things. I don't know though. I wish things were different and how I wanted them to be. I'll probably never not feel that way, but maybe I will just have to get used to it not being that way as much as I don't want to get used to it.

what you get

So what do you get for forgiving someone for everything they have done to you, loving them unconditionally, having a baby with this person and trying to be the best for them? Screwed, that's right. You get to watch then portray you as some kind of jerk who is worthless to what they have now. Yep, that is what you get. I swear BM tries to go the extra mike to make me look bad to everyone. On top of that she has zero respect for me on how I feel about anything. Doesn't care how anything she says or does would make me feel. Why? Because she is freaking selfish that is why. Reverse the roles and I would not even dare to do some of the things she has done to me these last few months. Directly or indirectly. Her relationship alone in my opinion shows how little respect she shows toward me and ever will. It's quite sad to me. It hurts to be honest. Hurts that supposedly she once loved and cared about me so much that she said things that made me feel loved by her, and now its like she does anything to disrespect me. It's pretty sucky...

nope

I'm not much of a quitter. Especially with something I have a Passion for or care about. I haven't given up yet. Nope, not yet. Many others might have but I haven't. I haven't had the desire to I suppose. I think maybe the fact that I'm not a quitter bothers people? I don't know. Sometimes people tell you to give up or quit things. I understand their thinking, quitting is easy and often hurts less. But that's just not me, I'm not a quitter, especially when my heart is into it. I think I often see hope or change when nobody else can see it. Optimistic to a fault perhaps. That's just me, its how I was made. Sometimes you just have to be still and wait for change to happen itself, and sometimes you have to help it along. Having patience at the right time is the hard part. The things worth the most are often the hardest to be patient for. So you better have a comfy seat.

Why settle for mediocre when you can have the best?

lil wayne

You had a lot of crooks tryna steal your heart
Never really had luck, couldn't never figure out
How to love, how to love

You had a lot of moments that didn't last forever
Now you in a corner tryna put it together
How to love, how to love,
for a second you were here Now you over there, it's hard not to stare the way you moving Your body,
like you never had a love, never had a love

When you is just a young'un your looks but so precious
But now you're grown up, so fly it's like a blessing
But you can't have a man look at you for five seconds Without you being insecure

You never credit yourself so when you got older
It's seems like you came back ten times over
Now you're sitting here in this damn corner
Looking through all your thoughts and looking over your shoulder

See, you had a lot of crooks tryna steal your heart
Never really had luck, couldn't never figure out
How to love, how to love

You had a lot of moments that didn't last forever
Now you in a corner tryna put it together
How to love, how to love,
for a second you were here Now you over there, it's hard not to stare the way you moving Your body,
like you never had a love, never had a love

You had a lot of dreams that transform to visions
The fact that you saw the world affected all your decisions
But it wasn't your fault, wasn't in your intentions
You the one here talking to me, you don't wanna listen

But I admire your poppin' bottles and pimpin'
Just as much as you admire bartending and stripping
Baby, so don't be mad, nobody else trippin'
You seen a lot of crooks and crooks still crook

See, you had a lot of crooks tryna steal your heart
Never really had luck, couldn't never figure out
How to love, how to love

See, you had a lot of moments that didn't last forever
Now you in this corner tryna put it together
How to love, how to love

See I just want you to know that you deserve the best You're beautiful, you're beautiful Yeah,
and I want you to know You're far from the usual, far from the usual

See, you had a lot of crooks Tryna steal your heart
Never really had luck, couldn't never figure out
How to love, how to love

See, you had a lot of moments That didn't last forever
Now you in this corner tryna put it together
How to love, how to love

See, you had a lot of crooks Tryna steal your heart
Never really had luck, couldn't never figure out
How to love, how to love

See, you had a lot of moments That didn't last forever
Now you in this corner tryna put it together
How to love, how to love

another night

Had another terrible night of sleep. I keep thinking when its going to end. When will I be able to sleep well again. Who knows. I know HOW it could end, but that's probably not going to happen. Got so much on my mind these days. So many things to do, so many things to take care of and so many things on my mind. It's all hard to deal with. Wish I was on the other end. Seems so easy to be on the other side of the coin. Looking, feeling and making it out that you got everything you want and need. That would be nice to be in that position. To be in that state of mind. Unfortunately I'm not there. So many things I wish were different that I can't change, that probably won't change. Sometimes you just do all you can do and then you have to let it go I guess. Not easy when you feel you have more to lose than gain. It's easy to look back and say if I could do this or that maybe things would be different for me. And who knows, maybe it would be. All I can do is try and change today for tomorrow and hope for the best.

For my daughter. I love you. So much. Every day I don't see you I miss you terribly. I strive every day to be the better dad than I was the day before. I know I make mistakes, but we are learning together :) it amazes me how smart you already are. I love watching you grow. Wish I could see you grow and develope every day. No matter what though I will always love you. You will always be daddys little princess and probably nobody will be good enough for you in my eyes :) I hope you never get to big or old to give your daddy kisses and hugs because I would miss them too much. I will make you proud that I am your dad. I will be the best dad I can be too you. Above it all never forget that daddy loves you and always will, no matter what!

sleep

Last night was a terrible night of sleep. I think I woke up about 5 times or so. No joke. Had some unpleasant dreams and so on. I know why too. Just a bad night of sleep. Those have been pretty common though. Weird how going from sleeping in a bed with someone to sleeping alone can make such a difference. It does though, for me at least. Anyways nothing seems to go right. You kind of get used to it after a while. Some things you don't get used to though. Looking forward to the holidays and yet I'm not. My mind is consumed with so much stuff. I wish I was happier but I'm not. It's hard to be. Sometimes when things are hard you think you would be happier without those things, and then they are fine and you realize you aren't. You try to get back what you had or back to where you were but you cant for this reason or that reason. Makes things hard. Yep, sleep was rough last night. I know though it won't be the last time I don't sleep well. Guess that's part of life sometimes.